What Do I Know?

Well we have a little over two more weeks, here in Thailand. And God is doing so much in me. Right now we are just working everyday in a nursery, doing childcare. I love it. It makes me miss all my babies at home. But not too much longer.. and I really want to put my all into these last few weeks. Things have gotten rough. I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard to be around the same 16 people nonstop for two and a half months. I’m asking God everyday for His abundant grace and love to flow through me. And He is faithful. He has taught me so much more than I could have even imagined.. and He continues to do so. It certainly has been an adventure.. hard sometimes. But this week He is teaching me of His great Love. I don’t think words will even do it justice. I’ve missed Jace the past few days... and I’ve begun to feel like parts of his memory are slipping away from me. I can’t remember what his little giggle sounded like.. or exactly what his skin smelled like.. or how it felt to run my fingers through his hair. To an extent I sort of can... but not the way I wish I could. If that makes any sense? And I don’t know, really, where I’m going with all of this... but I’ve realized that I am still struggling with two big questions.. “If He is so big, then why do horrible things happen?” and “God, if You are so mighty, then why didn’t you do something?” And I don’t think I will ever get an answer. I don’t understand. I can’t. But I’m tired of being His judge. I don’t want to judge God anymore. I want to know Him for who He is.

“I made You promises a thousand times. I’ve tried to hear from heaven, but I talk the whole time. I think I made You too small. I’ve never feared You at all... no. If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You? What do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. But those were only empty words on a page... then I caught a glimpse of who You might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees. So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame and a God who gave life it’s name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your namne on earth and heaven above.. what do I know of this Love? So what do I know of You? Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the soil along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? Lord what do I know? What do I know of Holy?” -What Do I Know of You? -Addison Road

So... I’ve been listening to this song over and over. And really trying to SEE God’s face. What DO I know of Him? Not much. And definatley not enough to judge the way He runs the world. But I do know that He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. And He loves Jace just the same. So it’s back to trusting Him. Trusting Him with... well... everything. And letting Him be with me when I’m sad. I’m ready to let Him heal me with every tear that I cry for Jace. And I don’t know exactly what that looks like... but I guess I don’t have to.

The Village...

My team and I just returned from a three day experience in a little Chiangmai village. We paired up and lived two people to a home. The families welcomed us into their houses and served us non-stop for three days... washing our laundry, taking us to the market, cooking us meals, and so much more! I noticed how our teammates were all calling their house parents their OWN parents. One of the girls would say "My mom braided my hair today!" It was the sweetest thing! Everyday we had the privilege of working along-side the village people in the soy bean farms, spreading fertilizer. In the mornings we would start at about 8am and the fields were absolutely beautiful, covered in fog! It was rough at certain points.. but something I will never forget!

While I was there, I wasn't able to talk with any of my family... or anyone other than my teammates for that matter! And I think God really showed me some things. He showed me that I haven't been as focused on Him as I should be. I've been easily distracted by "what ifs" and ultimately... the future. I realized yesterday, when I was walking through the Village taking pictures that most of my time is spent thinking about what's next. It's like a fairy tale in my head... 24/7. Which, I don't think there's anything wrong with fairy tales. In fact, I think God loves for us to daydream about the things He has in store for us... but what I had to ask myself was "Is it keeping me from drawing nearer to Him?" And I think the answer is yes. Why ARE certain things about my future so fresh in my mind so much of the time? Because they are promises that God has made to me. They are things that I'm excited for... things that I want with everything in my heart. But I think, more than that, I have a hard time trusting God with them. I think I hold on to them so tightly because... ultimately.. I'm afraid that maybe I won't get them. Trust. That's what it all comes down to. Trusting God with the little things.. and the big things. I don't really have a conclusion or an answer, even. But I know this.. God is teaching me that I CAN trust Him. He has things for me that I can't even daydream big enough! All I have to do is relax and enjoy the things that are in front of me right now. Otherwise I will miss out, big time!

The MST Project

Well here we are in Bangkok, Thailand working with the Male Sex Tourism Project. And, just like I thought, it is indescribable. We wait outside of what's called Nana Plaza and we ask the men who walk by if they would like to answer a few questions for the survey we are doing. And it never fails to start a deep conversation about faith and beliefs. I have only done the surveys once, and hope to do them again. I had a conversation with a man about satisfaction. When I asked him what his personal faith background was he said "nothing." He was very well aware of christianity and all the choices, he just said that he only believes in what he can see and touch. He kept comparing sex to food, and said that it's like when your hungry and you eat. You do it to satisfy your hunger. He said that he can only remember a few times in his life when he was truly satisfied, and even still it didn't last. I asked him if he doesn't believe that he has a Maker then what did he believe is his purpose in life? He said to eat, have fun, and be nice. He said that maybe since he's not feeling satisfied and happy, then he should work harder at all these things. I finished the conversation by telling him that I know what satisfies my hunger, and my satisfaction hasn't left me since I asked Jesus into my heart at 7 years old. He didn't end up accepting Christ.. but he took the packet I gave him and I really feel like God planted a seed in him. I just can't imagine living a life just to eat, have fun, and be nice. And not just that but live such an empty life. A life full of unsatisfactory situations, where you put your all into things only to have the happiness fade away in a short time. My heart breaks for these confused men. Another man told me that he goes to Nana Plaza to "forget". I just can't imagine living in the loneliness and emptiness that they live in. It's so rewarding to have the opportunity to share God's love with people like this every night. I feel so alive. I feel like I'm DOING something. Continue to pray for our team. We have about 5 more days here in Bangkok working with MST and then we go to Chang Mai to work with some women who have been trafficked and some university students. God is doing big things!! And we are having a blast all together!

Who am I..?

Okay so a little update.. We left Cambodia about a week ago and we are now in Bangkok, Thailand at the Thailand YWAM base! We are currently working with the MST project (Male Sex Tourism). And I don't think words will even mean anything if I try to put them all together.. so if you would like to check out what I'm doing you can go to www.mstproject.com

Lately I have been really struggling with my self-image. And, I know, it sounds kind of dumb. But it's just been something I have been battling. There have been some "series of events" that may have played into it.. but I think more than anything, it is the enemy trying to keep me from learning something that God wants me to learn. I feel like God is really trying to prepare me for something big and He wants me to find my identity in Him and let Him be the one who fills me. He has begun to show me that even the most good-looking, "spiritual" man can't give me what I need to feel loved. I know this in my head.. but God wants it to be true in my heart. And I think the enemy is really threatened by it. He knows what kind of a woman I will be when I finally grasp this concept.. and he has been doing everything he can to keep that from happening. I have been bombarded with just horrible thoughts about myself in the last couple days. Things like.. "What about me is there even to like?" "Why would I ever think anyone would want to be with me?" "I'm never going to be enough." I have been tempted to compare myself in ways like.. "I'm not skinny like she is." or "I'm not good at talking to guys like she is." or "My skin isn't as clear as her's." And ultimately, I think it comes down to the fears that come from deep in my heart... "What if no one ever wants to marry me?" and "What if I'm NOT good enough?" And I'm not going to lie.. I wallowed in it for a little bit. I let the enemy speak to me and I believed him. And it really took away from my time with God.

But, here's the thing... after a good talk with Him yesterday I was reminded of what God says about me. I am made perfect from the curves of my body and the sound of my laughter to the deepest parts of my heart. I am who God says I am.. I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am needed. I am worthy. And I am loved. I want to share the vision God gave me when I was asking Him for revelation...

In this vision God was sculpting a woman so carefully and intricately. He took so much time to make her perfect and He loved every single part of her. He was so proud of this beautiful woman that He had molded, that He sent her out into all the world to share about His great love. But then she wandered astray... she went where He told her to go and did as she was told, but all the way she criticized His work. She wished she was different. She began to care too much about what others thought and got too wrapped up in feeling the need to be "wanted". He cried as He watched her... and His heart broke for her broken heart. He tried to take her hands in His and whisper to her of His deep love for her.. but she had to choose to believe.

After this revelation or word from God or whatever you want to call it, I feel like a new person. It's obviously still a battle. But God already has the victory. It's a daily choice of mine to believe what He says about me. I pray for His eyes to see myself and those around me. And I have to constantly be rebuking the enemy's lies about me. I have a lot to learn, but God is teaching me this in preparation for a big promise Has made to me. I am trusting Him always.. and continuing to learn how! Love you guys! Here are some pictures of the kids from the AIDS orphanage...

Here in Cambodia...

Hey everyone! I’m sorry I haven’t updated sooner. I’m basically in the middle of nowhere and the internet is almost impossible! We are currently right outside of Phnom Penh, Cambodia working in an HIV AIDS orphanage. There are about 205 kids that live here and they are all HIV positive. Our team has been here almost two weeks, and we will be here another week! I can’t believe Friday is Christmas.. it doesn’t feel like it at all. But I am so excited to see the kids get to have Christmas, and experience it in a new way!

God has been working in me quite a lot. It has been an adventure.. thats for sure! And it still has only begun! Being surrounded by sickness and a spirit of hopelessness has been a big challenge. It has left me feeling frustrated and confused, again, with some of the same questions I’ve had since My sweet Jace’s death. Over the last week or so I’ve really struggled with finding Him in all this sadness. I’ve found myself asking Him where He is and why He’s not doing anything? But He really has taken ahold of me and shook me pretty hard. I read Corrie Ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place” and really started looking at things a lot differently. A big thing that He has showed me this week is that sometimes the knowledge that I want to have is too heavy for me to carry. I have to learn to let my Father carry it for me until I am able. Grasping this has really freed me.. in a way that I can’t even explain. I don’t want to be God’s judge anymore. I don’t want to look at Him and see only the things about Him that I can’t understand. I’m ready to let Him just be my Hiding Place. I think I’ve been wrestling for so long.. and I can feel God telling me that it’s time for me to give it up. And I’m ready to. I miss Jace. Everyday. I always will. And I won’t ever understand why some things happen the way they do. But I can rest in knowing that God can see the good in broken things. Even when I can’t. It doesn’t make the pain go away. The memories still come.. and it still hurts. But now I know that God IS good. I don’t have to just say it anymore. I KNOW it.

“But this is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preperation for the future that only He can see.” -Corrie Ten Boom

Being here has been life-changing. Obviously! ;) But the kids just LOVE to be with us. They follow us around, climbing on our backs, wanting to play games. Some just want to sit in your lap or hold your hand. All they want is to know that they are wanted.. accepted. And in more ways than one I’ve seen myself in them. If I look deep inside my heart, thats what eats at me the most. “Am I wanted?” And a lot of times I follow the wrong things around, looking for the answer, when God is ultimately the only one who can give me a satisfactory one. He’s the only one who can answer “YES!” every time! In the same way, I see Him in every one of them. In every hug and kiss. Or just when I suddenly feel a little hand in mine. God wants to be wanted.. just like I do. Probably more than I do! He wants to know that I want to spend time with Him.

It’s a lot to learn. And it’s only been the first two weeks! I am so very thankful for God’s patience with me. I am so very blessed to have been chosen to be on this journey. He is blessing me with more than I could have imagined! Thank you guys for supporting me and continuing to pray for the things He is doing! He IS good!

Leaving in four days...

Wow! I have been so bad about updating. I am so so sorry! Things have been so crazy, but God has been doing more than I can explain. This last weekend I got to go home for Thanksgiving, and seeing my family was just awesome! It was refreshing to be there and get to spend so much time with them... even though it went by super fast. I was sad to leave them, but not sad to come back. I have been doing a lot to get ready for outreach emotionally, spiritually, AND physically! We leave Sunday morning!! It came so fast! For those of you who don't already know, I just got the rest of my tuition money in last week. Praise God!! But I am still in need of some extra money for small needs I will most likely have overseas. Thank you to all of you who have been such a blessing to me, in helping me be able to take this journey! I could not do it without you!

It's hard to explain what all is going through my brain at the moment.. and my heart. But, of course, these next few days will be a little stressful trying to get everything together and prepare myself for what God has! There are many things that we will be doing over our trip that I just know God has His hand in my team and all the places that we will be going. If any of you would want to be part of my email chain please send me your email address ASAP! I won't be able to talk on the phone and I don't know for sure how often I will be able to get to an internet cafe... but I will make it a priority for sure!

I am definitely struggling to have daily quiet times. But I realize more and more every day how important they are. Maybe not "quiet times" but more just being in the word and spending time with God. I can see how it affects me when I don't stay on top of it. Over outreach I am going to discipline myself to reading the new testament over our three month period. I'm kind of excited about it! God wants to teach me so much. I can feel it!

All I can say is that I never dreamed there would be so much drama at a place like this!!! But, hey, we're all human right? Some things have been hard and I have found myself more than ever before, believing the lies that the enemy loves throwing at me. I have had to make a daily choice to look at myself through God's eyes, and no one else's! But it is definitely a challenge. I don't think I've ever been so insecure about myself as I have been these last few days. And part of me is afraid about that end of outreach. I don't doubt that God will use me exactly the way He wants to, or even that I won't be able to adapt to the culture and the different way of life for awhile. But I can't even imagine going, and trying to be a light to the lost... feeling like this. I know that God is bigger than all of this!! And He is reminding me every minute of how precious I am to Him and what HE says about me. But, it's hard to get that from my head to my heart. Please be praying for me on outreach.. that God would give me His eyes for myself and ALL those around me. I don't want anything to blind me from seeing His wonders and glory on this amazing journey! He is going to do so much, and teach me more than I can imagine! And the enemy wants to bring me down and keep me from being excited and wanting to go. So be praying for me! I know that I'll be fine. Love you guys and thank you so much for being here!

My email address is bparkman@ymail.com --Send me an email letting me know that you would like to receive my updates! :)

Sweetly Broken...

I'm so sorry I haven't written... it has been so busy! But I can not even explain what all God has begun to do in me. I can't believe we are starting week six! It's going by so fast!! And there is so much that God has already opened my eyes to!

All of our weeks look the same for the most part. We have a new speaker every week (this week it's going to be our lovely DTS school leader, Jen!). Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we have about one and a half to two hours of "Worship and Intercession" starting at 8:30! Then starting at 10:30 we have a two hour lecture and lunch at 12:30. Everyday, from 1:30 to 3:30, we have what's called a "work duty" where they place us around the base doing whatever they need us to do! The first week, we were each assigned to work duties, and God totally knows me.. I work in the nursery! (Best job ever! He loves me THAT much!) Then, most days, from 3:30 to 5:30 we have another two hour lecture. But after that we have dinner and mostly free time to hang out or do work that we've been assigned to! We have a set of books that we are required to read and turn in book reports on, and each week we have to creatively reflect on what we've learned with our "one-on-one". My one-on-one is probably one of my favorite parts of my week! We have a certain staff leader that was assigned to us, that is here just to help us talk through things and process what we're learning! And then weekends are free! But no matter how much free time I have, I always find myself looking for more! There is just so much to be done! Reading, book reports, quiet times... But it is so good, and God has so much in store!

There is so much going on in my head at the moment. The first week God really showed me some things about where my heart was about Jace. He made me realize that for the past year I hadn't let myself be honest about how it really made me feel. I kept myself so busy that I hadn't dealt with much, really. He showed me that I can tell Him that it makes me angry and confused, that I don't understand how this could happen. And it was really freeing to be able to let that all go. It's like when your mad at someone you're close to (maybe a best friend?) but you don't feel like bringing it all up, so you just pretend that everything is fine.. when in reality your just making it worse by not being honest with that person. But, at the same time, it's brought up a lot of things that I never imagined could exist inside me. I realize that this is where my trust issues come from. I find myself confused about who God is... and who He is to me. How am I supposed to look at Him? And my heart is to know Him for who He is! But, on one end I know Him as a good God who loves me with all of His heart. A God that wants to be with me, wants to give me everything He can, wants to hold my hand... play with my hair. But then, there is this other side of me that is so confused. God, if You're so good then how could this happen? I thought You wanted the best for me? You promised me! How could things go from being so good to being so bad? How could You take him away from us after You promised that he would be healed? How can I trust You after that? And why? Why Jace? Or why NOT Jace? How can You heal some little babies but You wouldn't heal Jace? And the questions go on and on. I never knew that all this was even inside of me! And it is a daily struggle that I am going through... wrestling with God about all these issues. But I feel like in a weird way, it's brought us closer. He is proud of me, that I'm willing to be honest and work through it all. It sucks. And when I'm thinking about it so often.. I'm thinking about Jace a lot. The memories will just randomly flood in, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Good memories. Bad memories. Memories, nonetheless, of a little baby boy that meant more to me than words can say. But what I realize, is that when I miss him, God misses him with me. And when I feel like there is no one who understands, He understands. And when I weep, He weeps with me. And no matter how blurred my vision may be at this moment in my life, God is loving me through it. He is doing more in me than perhaps I would have hoped! But I know that it's going to be so worth it in the end! I am determined to get over the sun, and really know my God for who He is. Keep praying!!!